Miss Manners: I skipped my difficult coworker’s retirement party

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I worked with someone who was uber passive-aggressive and made my life at work difficult. Fortunately, she retired at the end of the semester.

There was a retirement gathering for her with cake and coffee, given by her colleagues. I vowed long ago as division chair to never attend a gathering for this individual, so I skipped it.

I was confronted and scolded regarding my absence. I didn’t want to lie, so I said there were personal issues that precluded me from attending.

Should I have just gone and been the better person? Should I have lied that I had an appointment?

GENTLE READER: “Passive-aggressive” is one of those terms that Miss Manners has never entirely understood.

Would an example be putting up with bad behavior from a colleague for years without resolving it, and then venting the accumulated frustration by shirking one’s duty as division chair to attend a ceremonial gathering honoring that person’s retirement?

She is equally unclear on the moral distinction between being truthful about your absence (when there are no consequences) compared to having presumably been civil and professional every prior day (when there were).

What would have been the harm in showing up for a colleague you did not care for — but will not have to see again afterwards? Instead of being the better person, we can call it being the bigger person. Or doing your job. Or showing that there are more important things in your life than her bad behavior.