Asking Eric: Not sure how to deal with spouse’s impulse purchases

Dear Eric: My husband and I (second marriage) had a disagreement earlier today, and I would love your help. I admit I am particular about the items I purchase for my home, and I would like to help choose. We don’t need things very often, but I do like to give input on things before he buys them regarding color/style. He buys tools and things he uses, and I am fine not being involved with that. But if it is something more decorative or a shared item for the kitchen, then I would like to be involved.

For example, he purchased a wall clock for the kitchen that I don’t like, a desk chair in the den that is OK, and a new frying pan. I have not asked him to send anything back, but he will tell me he ordered something, and he hopes I like it after the item is already on the way.

Today it was the frying pan (it’s brown and doesn’t match any other cookware). I asked him if I could, please, help next time. (I was home. He could have asked.) I know he doesn’t care about the aesthetics of items, but I do. He says not being able to just buy something makes him feel he has no independence, and he was annoyed. I apologized for being particular, but I just like things that match my style.

I need to just let this go, right?

– Pouting After a Purchase

Dear Purchase: Yes, letting it go is going to help you both move forward. However, it’s perfectly reasonable to want him to collaborate with you on shared purchases. His response indicates he feels he needs your permission, as someone who has more of an eye. And maybe that’s the dynamic. But if he doesn’t care about aesthetics, but knows you both need a new frying pan, for instance, what’s the harm of saying “do you like the way this one looks?”

You might tell him that you don’t mean to pass judgment on his purchases, and you really are just trying to create a visually cohesive living environment. From there you can both talk through how future purchases might be made in a way that keeps him feeling empowered and keeps you from having to look at a wall clock that you think is ugly whenever you want to know the time.

For some people, the style and aesthetics of the home is an extension of the stability and happiness of said home. Your style is important to you. And because it’s important to you, it should be important, in a different way, to your husband. He can buy whatever he wants, whenever he wants. But when he does, he should take the opportunity to continue to build this home with you.